


Start Again

by nonotwithoutyou



Series: Hospital For Souls [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A/B/O, Abortion, Alpha Bucky Barnes, And a Bucky, Depression, Discussion of Abortion, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Omega Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Self-Harm, Song fic, Starvation, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, and therapists, kinda happy ending, post-catfa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-19 10:47:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19972801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonotwithoutyou/pseuds/nonotwithoutyou
Summary: Steve deals -or not- with the consequences of waking up in a new century without his best friend.





	1. The days are a death wish

**Author's Note:**

> Oi, galerinha! Yep, it's me again with another ABO fic e.e 
> 
> After writing Stay -and with the little time that Uni allowed me to have lol- I kept on thinking about writing something else but with the opposite settings, soooooo, Start Again was born and here it is for you to enjoy -or not(?-.
> 
> Bom, as usual, I hope you like the chapter and I'll see you guys on the next one!
> 
> Beijinhos, 
> 
> Fab.

Steve used to love darkness.

Before his mom’s passing, it meant he was sleeping, sicknesses forgotten while happy images of Sarah and Bucky flowed through his mind, making him smile in his sleep. After her death, every dream about her was a blessing and a nightmare at the same time. Luckily Bucky was there to comfort him if he was woken up by his sobs or trashing on the bed, and other times his dreams were of Bucky himself, smiling and laughing under the sunlight, kissing him, walking hand in hand with him, posing so he could draw him between conversations.

Then during the war, darkness meant leaving all responsibilities behind, it meant dreaming of home, of his mom that was always encouraging him on his new job as Captain America and of course, Bucky. He was still there, too, looking handsome in his navy blue jacket, being the best sniper in the team, wrapping Steve on his arms at night and kissing his forehead before every new mission to take down Hydra.

“ _Till the end of the line_ ,” he would always say to him, Steve would smile and kiss him on the lips, repeating the same words at him.

The Howlies liked to joke that those were going to be their wedding vows and that they were going to be crying in the front row when that moment came. Unfortunately, it never did. Bucky fell off the train, Steve was a mess of rage and anger, and he crashed in the Arctic. 

Darkness became Steve’s best friend. Sometimes he dreamt of everything, Brooklyn, the war, his ma, his Bucky. Other times he was just sleeping.

When darkness faded, he wasn’t in 1945 anymore, he had woken up in the future.

66 years ago he had put the Valkyrie into the water in hopes of joining his Alpha on the other side and rest. Turns out, the serum allowed him to survive the freezing cold water and the years on the ice were like he had been taking a long nap. Life was cruel.

Nick Fury got him an apartment in Brooklyn with all the things he liked, to get him adjusted to the new century and enjoy it. But he couldn’t. The big thing, the person that was capable of keeping him alive and happy wasn’t there.

Steve spent his days sleeping, his nights crying in the dark or staring at the ceiling. On the best of days, he would go out for a walk, have a cup of coffee while sketching some things in his notebook, go to the gym, have dinner if he didn’t forget about it and go to sleep. However, those nights were never calm. He would dream of _him_ , of him falling, slipping from his hand, screaming as his body fell and fell and fell and fell.

Steve was lucky if he got three hours of continuous sleep before waking up sweating, trashing on his marshmallow-like bed, to then start to cry again.

A short time later, the world was threatened and Steve had to put on his uniform again. He forgot about his lonely life during the mission, got to distract himself and to eat regularly. He actually got on well with the rest of the new group that called themselves the Avengers, and he accepted Tony Stark’s offer of moving to the new Tower a few weeks later. 

He got an apartment, a whole floor for himself with privileged views to the city with his new work colleagues just meters away. There was a talking ceiling named Jarvis, he sounded like Howard’s butler and when Steve found out that he had the power of watching him and inform Tony if something wasn’t normal, he asked him please not to do it, he wanted his privacy. Jarvis said it was ok, that he was going to inform just in case of an emergency.

In the middle of all this, it was hard for Steve to know that the world had moved on from the war when for him it had been a couple of weeks ago since the end of it and since Bucky’s death. God, he had missed him before but the pain of being alone, without him, knowing he was never coming back, was unbearable.

The Avengers were friendly but they weren’t his full-time friends, especially because they were more sociable and hang out without him. The one that always reached out to him was Natasha, she invited him for movie nights or nights out, but Steve turned down every invitation politely. She thought he was shy or he wanted to be alone, and she was right, but there was more to it.

Steve still had his routine of crying at nights, of feeling alone, of aching for Bucky’s presence, of forgetting to eat properly. He was sad, depressed, broken.

One particular night of insomnia had him in the kitchen. He opened the drawer to grab a spoon and force himself to eat a cup of yogurt after not drinking anything but water for a couple of days without noticing, when the knives looked extremely attractive to him. He stared at them. His hands aching to grab one, use it on his skin. The drawer was closed with force. Steve took a deep breath and left the yogurt abandoned on the table, he walked back to his room and tried to sleep.

The same thing happened a couple of days later. And then again. And again.

However, when the inevitable happened, it wasn’t with knives. Steve had bought razor blades during another sleepless night out of impulse, and the moment he took one out the paper, he pressed it to his left arm, swiped once, twice, and couldn’t stop.

Every time he did it, he ended up with flooded eyes and arms dripping blood, his blood, onto the sink of the bathroom. He knew Bucky would be so disappointed in him if he saw him hurting himself. But he wasn’t there, he wasn’t here to stop him, to tell him things were going to be ok. So Steve didn’t care.

The team never found out thanks to his fast healing process that had him with no open wounds or scars in less than a few hours, and thanks to the privacy that Jarvis gave him. What the team did notice was his body changing, getting slimmer and slimmer. Steve actually _forgot_ to eat and when he realized the hours that had passed since his last meal, he would promise his stomach to eat something, but the food made him nauseous. He knew he didn’t deserve to be alive, to be walking the 21st century, and that included not being worthy of the tasty food that the future had to offer.

The designated Avenger to keep him company during meals was Bruce, he was a calm person and never asked uncomfortable questions unless Steve showed that he was ok with answering them. He made sure Steve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even if those meals were a cup of microwaved oatmeal or yogurt that he ate slowly. He knew that Bruce was also told to stay awhile after the meals to verify that he was not emptying his stomach willingly, which he wasn’t. And when it happened, Bruce was a witness that it had happened naturally.

At this point, darkness was no longer Steve’s friend. Darkness was his ruin. It only showed him everything he once had, people he was never going to see again, people he had lost, and even showed him what he interpreted as an alternate simple life he could’ve had with Bucky, their kids and a house with a white picket fence. Actually, Steve’s real enemy was living, life wasn’t his friend.

The moments he enjoyed with guilt happened when the scarlet drops fell and ran down the sink, momentarily washing away his pain, his loneliness. Eventually, his inner arms weren’t enough and the razor blades met his legs and thighs, and whatever he could damage to feel better.

During missions with the team, he would let the enemy hurt him pretending he was being overpowered, enjoying the pain. But he couldn’t help to smile when he finally decided to defend himself, the surprise reflected on whoever’s face that thought that was beating Captain America down was funny to Steve, and the pain was an extra.

Stark once joked that maybe Steve liked being punched, that maybe he was a little bit suicidal. Tony had no idea of what was going on inside Steve's mind, if he had, he would've never said that. Because that was a huge mistake. It renewed the ideas that Steve had already had. Ideas he had been storing in the back of his head since he had woken up. Ideas he was planning on committing. And nothing or _no one_ was going to stop him.

Or so he had thought.


	2. Throw me to the flames, watch me burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oi, galerinha! 
> 
> I just want to leave you a HUGE WARNING, that this chapter has a not too graphic description of suicide, but keep in mind that it is a suicide scene after all, so please, if it disturbs you, do not read it (!!!!!!!!!!!!). I think it's not too graphic because I've read some disturbing fics that were, yes, well and even beautifully written, but way too raw for my sensitive mind, so I didn't want this chapter to mess with anyone, I hope I achieve it!
> 
> Please don't hate me, and have a nice reading!
> 
> Kisses,
> 
> Fab.

Steve’s plan was set to take place that night. He had gathered the things he needed to beat the super-soldier serum and keep his wounds wide open.

The day went as normal. He trained a few hours in the morning, had a small breakfast and lunch with Bruce, read a book in the afternoon, ate a few spoons of the fruit salad that Nat had made and so kindly had taken to his apartment, let Jarvis inform that, went to a meeting with Fury and ate dinner with Bruce again. When the doctor left the apartment, Steve went to his room and laid in bed with the sound of the tv in the background.

After what it seemed like hours of him staring at the ceiling, he finally got up and took the things he needed to the bathroom. His throat had a huge knot that he was trying really hard to swallow, his eyes and cheeks were wet with furious tears, his heart was beating fast.

Steve filled the tub and got in wearing just boxers. He silently cried while taking the pills to his mouth with a straight, determinate face. One by one they disappeared down his throat. He felt a small pain, cramp in his stomach when the entire stock he had gathered was gone. Steve took the straight razor blade from the edge of the tub, he had brought it exclusively for that moment, he knew it was going to be more effective. And just then, for a long minute, he doubted. He contemplated asking for help, he contemplated putting down the straight razor blade and put a finger on his throat to get rid of the pills.

But he also thought of the people he was going to join, to see again. He thought of how miserable he felt, how his life had no meaning without the ones he loved, how he felt so empty inside. He felt he was functioning only because he had people babysitting him.

 _Yes,_ he thought, _this is the right decision, the right thing to do_. He was going to be happier that way, with his loved ones, wherever they were, and that made him take the last step. With a sigh, the sharp object met his skin, he pressed and then dragged it down. A sob was heard in the bathroom walls when Steve proceeded to do the same on his other arm, his hand was shaking but the movement was steady and precise. 

A minute later, the water was painted red. Blood flowed from the two vertical lines on his arms, that started on the wrists and went a few centimeters up to his inner elbow. Steve couldn’t see much through the tears and the numbness at the loss of blood, but the water was getting redder and redder with the passing seconds. His hand let go of the razor blade he had been holding too tightly on his hand helping the blood to flow out, and it fell inside the tub.

All of a sudden he heard his mom’s voice in the back of his head, calling him for dinner, singing to him every rough night; he listened to Bucky’s laugh, his voice rambling about how hard he was going to work to get to college and make a better living for them, to take them out of their small four walls and buy a house. Steve felt a reassuring kiss on his forehead, fingers carding through his hair, and smiled when darkness finally came to take him.

The Avengers were currently on Tony’s penthouse. They were worried about Steve and were ready to take drastic measures to help him because Bruce checking on the meals wasn’t enough, Steve continued to lose weight and everyone could tell that he was having sleepless nights. Tony knew he had disabled Jarvis of authority to “spy on him” as he had called it, but his good J always let him know that Captain Rogers was up almost all night, waking up early and not eating enough for his enhanced metabolism. Nat tried to cook or to buy food and left it on his fridge, but whenever Bruce heated up a plate, Steve felt nauseous and settled for oatmeal or fruit. Clint said that the had noticed how many times Steve went out to the pharmacy, or how he went to a few in just one afternoon. Thor admitted helping him twice to get out of the gym because Steve couldn’t hold himself to walk to the elevator.

“Does he believe in therapists? We could hire one… or a group, to help him,” Bruce said.

“I don’t care if he believes in them or not, he needs the help, he’s getting the help,” said Nat beside him.

“Of course, I’m getting Pep to get him all the best, therapist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, whatever he needs,” Tony commented nodding. “He’s our friend…”

“And we’re going to be here for him,” Clint added, “I imagine it must be hard to be him, you know? He went to the ice and woke up in the future, I’d lost my mind if that happened to me.”

“Maybe we should keep him away from missions while all of this happens, right?” Nat said again.

“Yes, I’m not sure if the therapist would recommend him to be on duty, at least for a while, he’s going to need it,” Bruce agreed with her.

“Sir?” Jarvis talked out of nowhere.

“Jarvis, not now, we’re in the middle of something important.”

“But sir…”

“J, please, give us a minute!”

“It’s about Mr. Rogers.”

“Is he ok?” Thor asked looking at the ceiling and then at his friends, there was a suddenly worried expression on everybody’s face.

“Sir, I’m afraid that Captain Rogers has committed suicide.”

Every single face in the room went pale. Natasha was the first to sprint out the penthouse, followed by the rest to take the elevator to Steve’s apartment. Tony was angrily yelling questions to Jarvis for information, Thor broke the front and the bathroom door, and even if all of them had seen war and sickness closely, they all stood for a good 10 seconds looking at the image in front of them, completely perplexed.

Steve’s body was in the red water, his arms at his sides, head resting on the edge of the tub, skin paler than usual, his chest not rising with breathing. There was an empty bottle of alcohol and empty tablets of pills on the floor.

“Oh my God,” Clint said first, “get him out, get him out!” he shouted while getting in the tub with Thor to take Steve out.

Natasha had unconsciously zoned out, Tony was crying without realizing and Bruce was the one to kneel and check on the body that Thor and Clint had placed carefully on the floor, blood dirtied the porcelain tiles of the floor, it still hadn't stopped flowing from the open flesh.

“Why aren’t his cuts healing, Banner?” Thor asked, his voice was shaky but demanding, “I had seen him heal fast, why isn’t it happening?!”

“Because of that,” he said pointing to the tablets of pills. “Oh, Steve…”

“Is he… is he dead?” Tony asked from behind, Natasha was now hugging his waist, both their cheeks watered.

“We need to take him to the med bay,” was all he said standing up and controlling his breath to not panic and unleash the Hulk, “I can’t check on his vitals.”

“Jarvis?” Clint whispered.

“The Captain’s heart stopped two minutes ago. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no, to the med bay, please, let’s take him! We got to do something!” Bruce yelled.

Thor was brave enough to take Steve’s body and carry it, the other Avengers went behind him in tears. The doctors of the med bay weren’t there, but Dr. Helen Cho, Bruce’s friend was staying at the tower for a couple of days, working on research. She was already there when they arrived and she helped Bruce with what he thought Steve’s body needed, Clint had taken Natasha to the side and Thor had done the same with Tony until Pepper arrived, alerted by Jarvis. They all stood on one of the empty rooms, waiting for news or for another confirmation. Unfortunately, after what they had seen, hopes weren’t exactly high.

Life was cruel to him.

Steve slowly woke up from his sleep. His head was pounding, his stomach felt weird, he had cables connected to his body, a set of IV on each arm and thick bandages around them with a few red spots.

He looked around and didn’t recognize the room, and had little time alone to try to do it, a female doctor came in to disturb his wondering, smiling softly and welcoming him back.

“You’re at the med bay in the Avengers Tower… it’s been four days,” she said checking the IVs, Steve nodded slowly. “We almost lost you, Captain.”

 _That was the idea,_ he thought.

“Is it ok if I tell Bruce to come in?” she asked him, he nodded again.

Dr. Banner entered just when the woman was finishing whatever she was doing. Steve was staring at the very not interesting wall in front of him, he didn’t turn his head to look at him or the lady again. “Steve…” he said coming to his side. “How… how do you feel?”

“Not dead,” he whispered, Bruce looked down at his arms.

“Any pains?”

“My head, stomach…”

“Dr. Cho will give you something for that… water?” he offered pointing to the bottle that was on the nightstand beside the bed.

“You saved me,” Steve murmured still not giving him a glance, his voice sounded like he was reproaching.

“Among other things that helped… yes, I did.” He sounded nervous, “do you hate me for that?”

Steve didn’t answer, Bruce took it as a yes. The doctor sighed and motioned Helen to leave, she did it silently and he sat on the chair next to the bed.

“There are other things you could try to overcome your feelings, Steve,” he said to him, not as reproaching as Steve had sounded. “Believe me that I understand how you feel because we have both felt the same at some point. I know you feel like that for how things have worked out for you, I also know that is hard… but it is not impossible, we can get you a therapist, a nutritionist…”

Steve inhaled slowly, his eyelids felt heavy but his brain was very much awake. He didn’t want any of the things that Bruce was numbering, he didn’t want therapy, he didn’t want pills, he didn’t want help. He didn’t want the Captain America mantle, the shield, the uniform. He didn’t want to be an Avenger. He wanted to disappear, to be left alone so he could go to the arsenal, pick up a gun, put it in his mouth and pull the trigger.

He hadn’t asked to be found on the Arctic, he hadn’t asked to live in the new century. He just… didn’t want it.

“Steve…” Bruce said when he noticed that the Captain’s cheeks were getting wet with silent tears.

“It was my decision,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry… my doctor’s instincts kicked in, I made a promise to save lives.” Steve shook his head slowly, his sniffling sounds were a companion to the sound of the machines in the room. “You’re not alone in this, buddy…”

“Get out, please” he whispered back, not giving him a chance to keep on speaking, “leave me alone.”

Bruce got up slowly, he gave Steve one last look before doing what he was told with a heavy heart. If he didn’t want any of the help the Avengers had planned for him, his and Helen’s efforts to bring him back to life would’ve been useless. If he didn’t want any of the help, Bruce knew that Steve was going to find a way to kill himself again and what was even worse, he was going to make it succeed.

“Did you talk to him?” Helen asked, she had been waiting outside anxiously.

“Yeah… but I don’t think he heard…” he said sighing, “he wanted it, Helen, he wanted to die…”

“And he blames you for saving him…” she completed the sentence, he nodded. “Did you tell him about…?”

“No. I couldn’t,” Bruce admitted. “Do you think that that is the reason why he tried to…?”

This time Helen sighed, “I don’t know, but if it was, he’s got a decision to make before time’s up… poor kid, he must be terrified.”

“What terrifies me the most the next time he tries to do it,” he said walking down the hallway with her to the waiting area. “This time he wanted to make it painful for himself, next time is going to be a gun in his head and no chance of surviving.”

“How is he?” Pepper asked right away as soon as they were on sight, the rest of the Avengers stood up.

“Stable, with the expectable pains,” Helen talked.

“Did he say something?” Tony asked.

“He… he made it clear that he didn’t want to be saved,” said Bruce, “he’s angry for that and asked me to leave.”

“Is there anything that we can do to help him right now?” wondered Nat, she had barely slept on those four days even if she wasn’t that close to Steve, he was so easy to love and admire that she didn’t want him to go in such an awful way.

“Neither of us is his closest friends, which will be what he really needs, no one has his shared life experience to fully understand what he’s been through…”

Clint interrupted by saying, “Bucky Barnes would help.”

“Yeah, wanna go find him in some frozen ravine in Europe?” Tony asked, Pepper slapped his arm.

“Who’s this Bucky Barnes you’re talking about?” asked Thor.

“He used to be Steve’s best friend, some rumors say he was his Alpha, but they never confirmed it, the government didn’t want the world to know that Captain America was an Omega, and certainly they didn’t want him to have an Alpha,” Nat said, “he died in the war, a few weeks before he crashed into the ice.” Thor made a little nod followed by his mouth gaping like a kid in understanding.

“Yeah, but we can try, you know, to be there and make conversation, try to get some words out of him…” Bruce explained caressing his temples, “what we have to do though, is to restrict him from the arsenal floor, I was telling Helen that this first try was painful and slow, but the next time is not going to be like that.”

“Oh my God,” Pepper whispered covering her mouth with a hand.

“Jarvis already did it,” Tony said immediately, “he’s not even allowed to open the stairwell doors that lead to the arsenal, if he wants to get in, J will tell me right away.”

“Good, good… we just need to let him rest now, the serum has already healed the wounds but he feels dizzy for all the pills he took, he will for maybe another day or two.”

“What do we do, should we take him to his chambers, keep him company?” Thor asked worriedly.

They were looking at Bruce and Helen, but surprisingly the answer came from Tony, “first, we wait until he gets out of bed, and then my good Point Break, we help him.”

Steve spent two days in the med bay. In that time he had spoken very few words and refused to eat whatever it was put in front of him, therefore, one IV remained on his arm to keep him fed. The pounding pain in his head left after the first day and the one on his stomach after the second. But for the first time in decades, he felt weak. All the starvation was finally catching up with him.

Theoretically, his enhanced metabolism needed more nutrients than the average person, but it also could keep him alive without them for some time. Now, time was over. Steve needed to eat to survive or die very painfully and slowly.

The “good” thing was that he slept more than before. He knew that it was because of the medication, but in those two days the bags under his eyes went down significantly and the sleep had been dreamless, no kisses on the forehead, no Sarah’s voice to disrupt him.

The wounds on his arms were closed, but not gone. There was a slight scar tissue that he could feel at the touch and see in the bright lights. _“What a coward symbol to the Nation,”_ Steve thought when he saw them, the rest no commented on them.

He returned to his apartment with the person that every night had slipped into his room to make him watch movies, talk —or more like monologue— about the weather, about things from the past that he had missed while being on the ice and never questioned his decision: Natasha.

She had informed him that she was going to be his shadow for a while, even if he didn’t want her to, it was the only condition he had to sleep on his bed.

Nat wasn’t mad when he chose the oatmeal with honey instead of lasagna, or Alfredo pasta, or shawarma, or packed salads, or burgers, or pizzas. She made him protein shakes to go with his meals, slipped in some mashed pills on them, that Steve pretended not to notice, like a dog, and took him out for walks to breath some fresh air, like a dog.

Three weeks had passed since the incident, as Dr. Cho and Bruce called it, and Nat had tricked him to get a check-up done, like a dog.

He was wearing a hoodie with sweats, his arms had been crossed on his chest since he sat down on the room, giving Nat the cold shoulder for her betrayal. When Helen arrived he whispered a “hi” but refused to get up to go to the comfy-looking examination table.

“Captain Rogers, please, I’ll be quick, I just need to…”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Steve snapped. “I don’t wanna get checked, I don’t care!”

“But we do care, that’s why is needed,” Helen said softly to calm him down. “It is a routine check-up, I’ll be quick, you have my word.”

“Why doesn’t Jarvis do it? He’s been spying on me and my health all this time, am I right?” he asked to the ceiling.

“Yes, I have.”

“See? Go ask Tony how I am, I’m leaving,” he stood up and walked to the door. Sometimes he wished the Avengers hadn't taken him in, he wished he was alone in the first apartment in Brooklyn that Fury had gotten for him. If he had, he was sure that now they would be in his funeral, not trying to convince him to have a fucking check-up to make sure his fucking organs were fucking fine. He wasn't fucking fine, he didn't care how his fucking organs were, why did they?!

He was already walking to the elevator when a steady hand caught his arm. He thought on snapping at Nat as he had done with Dr. Cho, but when turned him around, her eyes didn't scream 'let us help you for fuck's sake!', instead, they screamed 'please, try.' “Steve, please, wait,” Nat blocked his path and looked at him with glossy eyes. “We just want to help… let Dr. Cho check on you, it’ll be fast, then we’ll go back to your apartment, yes?” she said. “Please, 10 minutes, tops.”

Steve stared at her, why was she so concerned about him? He didn’t know and possibly will never do, but still, he found himself saying “not a minute more,” and walked back to the room.

God, Dr. Cho was impossible to hate, she was too sweet and kind, Steve wanted to apologize for his behavior but she was already too busy checking him up with a weird looking thing on his lower chest and stomach. She was doing what she had said previously when he refused to get checked, see how his organs were doing after the intoxication that the pills had provoked.

However, that was an excuse.

Bruce and Helen had had an unexpected motivation when they had been saving Steve. During all those weeks, Nat, that was told of the news by the doctors, had tried to make Steve talk or at least worry about _it_ , but as he never said anything, they came to the conclusion that he _didn’t know_. They had thought of ways of telling him but none of them were suitable, except for the one that was Helen’s idea to drop the bomb, that could help Steve make up his mind about living, or not.

She did check on his organs just in case Steve suspected, but his eyes were fixated on a wall, as usual. Then she moved the head of the machine lower, to where she had been aiming to put it all that time. 

The sack that was small a few weeks ago had now grown, and luckily, the flattering motion she was hoping to see, was still there. Helen looked at Steve, he was completely oblivious to the situation but at the same time had noticed that the doctor had stopped.

“Helen?” Nat asked when he turned to her with a questioning look.

“Everything seems to be fine, I just need to listen to this,” she said pressing a button and retrieving her eyes from Steve.

A not so strong and not steady _thump thump thump_ sound filled the room. Steve’s eyebrows furrowed, was that sound coming out of him?

“What’s that?” he asked trying to take a look at the screen in front of Dr. Cho, he had one in front of him but it was off.

“That’s a heartbeat, Steve,” she answered nervously.

“Mine?”

“No…” she took a deep breath, and avoided his eyes, “it’s your pup’s.”

Did she just say...? Steve almost laughed and blame it on his ears to not hearing well. “Excuse me?”

“That’s your pup’s heartbeat,” Helen repeated while turning on the screen in front of him for him to watch what she was seeing.

Nat moved to Steve’s side when the screen lighted up, showing them a moving, small profile inside a grainy sack. Steve felt like the air had been punched out of his lungs, he felt the same way he did when he was about to have an asthma attack before the serum. He felt nauseous, too. He wanted to pinch his arm and wake up. That couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be happening. _Not now, please, not now._

“How… how long has it been there?” he asked.

“Fourteen weeks and six days, you’re out of the first trimester already.”

First trimester. It had been there for more than three months. What surprised him even more, was that i _t had been_ there during all that time. 

“It is a healthy pup for what I can see,” Helen said. “The serum in your body has been sucking out your nutrients to help the baby grow even when you didn’t ingest any. The heartbeat is a little slow, but it is there, if you eat better in the next weeks it’ll be normal like any other baby.”

Natasha was curious about the pup on the screen, but her eyes were on Steve, which had a mix of fear, regret, and sorrow on his face. He didn’t look happy, not that she expected him to love life at the news, but he didn’t look like it were good news. Helen and Nat shared a quick eye contact at Steve’s silence, and she continued the scan to double-check some measurements.

“I can’t tell the gender but…”

“When can you take it out?” Steve blurted out, his hands were shaking like his voice. Nat and Helen were taken by surprise, an uncomfortable silence invaded the room, the two women wanted to ask why out of curiosity, but none of them said a word.

“Whenever you want, Steve,” the doctor said in a professional manner when she happened to find her voice. “It’s your choice.”

Steve nodded giving the screen a last painful glance and once his stomach was clean, he walked out the room straight to the elevator, straight to his apartment, straight to his room, to collapse on the bed and let his emotions take over.


	3. I witch hunt for an exit

Steve had been 23 years old when it first happened. It was after a dream of his ma congratulating him on his newborn pup that he realized what was happening to him, why he was sick of the stomach every day, why he hadn’t bled that month.

Bucky never suspected anything. He was used to him being sick, so a little vomit here and there didn’t ring any bells. Due to his recurrent state of sickness, Steve’s period wasn’t regular either, so more bells were left without use.

Steve had woken up from that sleep, that dream in a cold sweat. Bucky was holding him from behind, as usual, his arms around him protectively and nose buried in his neck. Oh, Bucky. He was more than Steve could ever wish for, the perfect Alpha. He deserved the world, a world that he was aware he may never get in Steve’s arms, but still stayed.

Steve had turned around and caressed Bucky’s hair with his slender fingers, eyes tearing up and heartbroken already. He _knew_. He knew the pregnancy wasn’t going to last. He knew he was never going to see Bucky with a tiny pup in his arms that they could call theirs.

The normal thing to do back then when you were a pregnant Omega, was to tell your Alpha, celebrate and start to prepare their home for the pup that was set to arrive in a few months. It also included funny activities that future mothers enjoyed, like buying tiny clothes, a crib, pacifiers, bottles, formulas, diapers, more clothes that would fit the baby once it started to grow.

But Steve, already thinking about preserving his Alpha’s happiness, said nothing. The days continued to be long and tiring, Bucky never realized what was happening and it made Steve feel better, his Alpha didn’t deserve to get his hopes up about a little family to then suffer at the lack of the element that would make them a family.

Steve never went to the doctor for the pregnancy, they couldn’t afford it. Instead, a friend of his ma, that had been a nurse like her, confirmed it with a quick tactical check-up at her apartment. She calculated he was around 6 weeks, only a month and a half, according to Steve's last period.

 _“When are you going to tell your Alpha?”_ she had asked happily and not understanding Steve's bitter reaction.

_“I won’t…”_

_“You are not? May I ask why?”_

_“It’s not going to last,”_ he whispered putting his jacket on. _“My body won’t take it well, it won’t last.”_

_“You may be surprised to know the changes that a mother’s body goes through to create a child, Steve. It may also surprise you by adapting to the pregnancy and giving you a healthy pup.”_

Weeks passed and Steve started to panic. What if his ma’s friend had been right? What if his body, for once, cooperated with him to help him go through a pregnancy that could make his Alpha happy? That could make his best-kept secret come true?

Some nights Steve thought of how the pup would look like. He wanted it to be like Bucky, healthy, with his beautiful blue eyes and his dark hair, and it didn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl, he or she was going to be loved. He thought of names, of second names, of tiny fingers curling around his, of tiny feet that would look too big on Bucky’s hand. He got his own hopes up, to then see them get destroyed.

Bucky had been at work when Steve noticed the blood on his underwear. He had cleaned and changed in autopilot mode, and as he washed the fabric to avoid an ugly stain, the silent tears didn’t slow down and never attempted to stop. He thought it was for the best, though, he and Bucky weren’t in the best of economic situations, sometimes the rent was paid with a couple of days of delay, other times it wasn’t enough to keep them warm at winter or buy new clothes. The pup would’ve needed so much that they couldn’t give him or her, that the wise choice would’ve been to give it up to a family that could. Or if they could’ve gotten by, Steve would’ve died giving birth, leaving Bucky broken, alone and to take care of a newborn.

Bucky never knew that the real reason of why he had found Steve with red eyes was because they had lost one and only chance of becoming parents they were going to have. Steve was told he was barren at the end of that same year. Bucky had tried to mask his emotions to comfort him because Steve didn’t cry, but of course, he knew his Omega’s heart was broken and needed him.

 _“I won’t blame you, you know? You can go,”_ Steve murmured to him that night while they were getting ready to bed. He had been looking for a warm blanket to sleep and had found the light green one that Bucky’s mom had gifted them. It was the same that she had bought when she found out she was pregnant with him and the one she had used on her son until he wasn’t a baby anymore. She had given it to Steve in hopes one day they would wrap their own pup in it and make it a family thing. But Steve saw it and couldn’t stop thinking that there was never going to be a small baby in it, at least not _his_.

_“What are you talking about, my love?”_

_“I won’t blame you if you leave me, I know I’m not enough, you deserve better…”_ he continued, his arms wrapped around his stomach protectively, even though there was nothing there to protect. _“I’m sorry, Buck.”_

 _“Stevie,”_ Bucky said walking to him, he took his hands and kissed them, _“there’s nothing to be sorry for, things like this can happen… nothing would ever make me leave you, you’re the love of my life, you know that right?”_ he took Steve’s face and kissed him slowly. _“When I tell you till the end of the line, I mean it.”_

 _“I don’t deserve you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,”_ and then he couldn’t contain himself anymore and cried on Bucky’s arms, repeating the same lines over and over.

 _“There’s nothing to be sorry about, there’s nothing to be sorry about,”_ he said brushing Steve’s hair and hugging him, kissing his forehead at every opportunity he got.

Later that night, while Steve shivered underneath the ocean of blankets and Bucky’s body, he got up to look for one more to wrap him in. He saw the green fabric and buried it in a corner, he returned to Steve and wrapped him with the one he had found. He seemed to be asleep after a while, and just then Bucky allowed himself to cry.

In 1943, Dr. Erskine told Steve that the serum would amplify everything that was already there. When he asked if it meant that his infertility was going to be cured or if he was going to be even less fertile than before, he had looked at him with sadness and nodded at the last option. The serum was designed for an Alpha, not an Omega, and it was going to do nothing to help with his reproductive organ.

Since then, Steve had closed his heart to the possibility of having a family and everything that it carried, saying the excuse that it just wasn’t for him.

In the 21st century, Dr. Cho had told him that it was legal for him to get an abortion until week 24. As he had already made up his mind, the procedure was scheduled for the next week, right before the baby hit 17 weeks inside him.

Steve knew that the Avengers were told of the news and what he was going to do about it, and none of them had said a word on their visits to his apartment. They brought him casseroles that he didn’t eat and let him sleep all he wanted because he was exhausted, the pup was taking his lasts nutrients to try to survive.

When the abortion date got closer, Nat, that had been there to keep him company, found him crying in the night, looking at the city from inside the living room —he wasn’t allowed to exit to the balcony—, shivering like he was in the middle of the winter without any clothes on, a consequence of his starvation. Nat put a blanket around his shoulders and rub them to pass him some warm, and gave him a cup of tea. She sat down next to him on the floor with her own cup and made the question that she had been wanting to ask.

“What would Bucky think?” she said, Steve didn’t answer, Nat continued. “You know, of this… of you being pregnant, of you not eating, of you slowly killing yourself after all the years he tried to keep you from dying.”

Steve didn’t look at her or move, he kept silent for a while before responding, “he’s not here, it doesn’t matter.”

“And what would your mom think?”

“She’s not here either,” he said.

“Would she be knitting booties and blankets with Bucky’s mom?”

Natasha saw him drag his eyes to the floor and the scene played in Steve’s mind. That would’ve been the exact thing that Sarah and Winifred’s did until the pup arrived, knitting everything they could for their first grandkid. “Probably…”

“How would Bucky feel?”

It took him another few seconds to answer, but he did with his pale lips quivering, “happy, maybe. He wanted to have a family…”

That was new information, and Nat wanted more if it was possible, nobody knew what had really happened between them, “you guys never tried to have one, or the times were too rough?”

“We never tried officially,” Steve said in a whisper, “I got pregnant one time and lost it, never told Bucky about it… but after that the doctor told me I was barren because of all my illnesses, then the war happened, Bucky was drafted, I became Captain America…”

“I’m sorry to hear that…” she said placing a hand on his cheek and caressing it softly, Steve leaned to the touch, his cheeks were cold and Nat’s warmth was welcomed by his skin. “Can… can I ask you why you want to get the abortion done?”

Steve sighed, “are you going to try to convince me not to do it? Aren’t you pro-choice, ma’am?”

“I am, but with you I’m curious, I want to understand you better, Steve,” Nat answered sweetly, “I know it’s hard for you to live… I never believed the news was going to make you the happiest man alive, but I never thought you were going to ask for… you know, getting rid of it.”

“The pup doesn’t deserve this,” he confessed, his eyes still on the floor, “I wanted to be a mom when I had Bucky, but the money was always tight. Once I got my hopes up and was getting ready to tell my Alpha that we needed to get better jobs to provide for our pup, and I lost it. I became Captain America and Erskine told me that the serum wasn’t designed for Omegas, that it wouldn’t improve my reproductive life. I got Bucky back, we had money, but I was still barren and we were at war. Then I lost him and my life crumbled down. I went to sleep in the ice and woke up almost seven decades later, I tried to kill myself, I found out I’m… carrying… and now I have money, some things are better than in the other decades I have lived… but I don’t have _Bucky_ ,” Steve’s voice was shaking, Nat could tell he was trying really hard to swallow the knot on his throat, but the tears didn’t wait to start making their way down his cheeks. “I just… can’t do this without him… I can’t.”

And then, he started to shake with sobs. Natasha wasn’t the best at showing affection, but she wrapped her arms around Steve and held him, carding her fingers on his hair and letting him lean into her embrace. “You’re not alone, Steve,” she whispered, “you have all of us now, we will never fill the space that Bucky left vacant, but we are trying to help you, we want to help with whatever that is happening in your life. We don’t wanna lose you, not because you’re part of the team, but because we truly worry about you as an individual, as Steve Rogers.” He had his face hidden on her neck, his heartbreaking sobs weren’t stopping, “we have only known you for a couple of months and we adore you already, you’re a person worth loving and saving, you know that?” Nat’s heart did break a little when he didn’t answer, all she did was hold him tighter and turn her head to plant a loving kiss on his forehead and whisper, “you’re not alone, Steve.”

It was the night before the procedure and following Dr. Cho’s orders, Steve hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for the appointment that was scheduled for the early morning. However, he was required to eat the previous days to avoid any complications that could come with his current health state.

Steve had to be up at 7 am for pre-surgery check-ups, but at 2 am he couldn’t close his eyes for more than five seconds. His hands were on his stomach, precisely on the small barely-there bump he had felt while showering. It also didn’t help that he was feeling little flutters in it, like if the pup was already moving in there. _Could they?_ Steve wondered, _did babies move in such an early stage of the pregnancy?_

He had to admit it though, it felt… nice. Like if the life inside him was happy to be there, to be growing, like if it wanted to let its mother know it, too.

Steve had been sure the decision he had made was the best for about an hour after he made it. Then he had had little moments of guilt during the past days, but actually feeling the baby made him feel regret. The pup wasn’t responsible for his issues, it was an innocent life that he and Bucky had created. But he wasn’t enough to become a mother, he was missing his other half, and he was a mess. No pup deserved to be born with a mother like that, he or she deserved better. But once again, he wasn’t _that_ alone, right? Natasha had told him so. He could… he could ask for help, get better to welcome his son or his daughter, to be the parent that the baby was going to need.

Could he, though? Was he able to take the help the Avengers had offered him before, to help him heal and get ready to become a dad?

 _Why don’t you try it and find out jerk?_ A small voice said in his head.

Legally, he still had a couple of more weeks to decide. Steve was afraid that if he didn’t do it the following day, he wasn’t going to be able to do it later, not for what the law said, but for his love for his kid. Because yes, he did love the pup, it was the main reason why he was going to do it… but now, finally stopping and thinking about it thanks to the food he had eaten the previous days, his brain was more awake and Steve was _seriously_ doubting.

Steve was conscious that he had loved the pup since Dr. Cho told him that the sound on his ears was the heartbeat that was silently keeping him company. It was the last piece of Bucky he had, it was impossible not to love it, especially when he had lost one before without even having the chance of feeling it, and when his best-kept secret was that he always wanted to have his Alpha’s pups and stay at home with them, watch them grow and make them happy. Now he had a new chance to make it come true. Without his Alpha, but the chance was there.

His main concern was the one he had told Natasha, that he couldn’t do it without Bucky. He didn’t want to be alone in the check-ups when the doctor told him the gender —that apparently was possible, Dr. Cho had said something about it the last time—, he didn’t want to be alone buying miniature clothes, blankets, booties… Steve couldn’t imagine being by himself once the crying pup was placed on his arms, probably resembling his dad and him not being there to meet his kid.

At the same time, my God, Steve _needed_ to learn that he wasn’t alone. Natasha had said that he wasn’t and she had shown it better than anyone else, she had been there for him for the past weeks. If he decided to have the baby and asked her, maybe she was going to be there for support, too.

Even though his mind was running a marathon of overthinking, Steve was able to fall asleep. Nat and Jarvis woke him up at 6:15 am, he showered and put on his usual outfit of sweats and hoodie with a pair of Converse.

The med bay was cold and almost empty, apart from Bruce, Dr. Cho and other people that were going to assist the procedure.

Someone took a sample of blood, someone else took his blood pressure and when someone tried to make him lay down for a scan, he almost threw a fist, how dare they to want him to go through that with the option he had chosen? The male nurse was saved, by a hair, by Bruce.

“Steve, we need to know a few things about it before proceeding, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before, but is that ok with you?” Steve exhaled shakily with his hands in fists and nodded still not feeling comfortable. While Dr. Cho poured gel on his stomach, he surprisingly found himself waiting for the screen in front of him to show him the pup, a warm feeling invaded his chest at the thought of seeing it again, but a cold one replaced it when he noticed that she wasn’t going to turn it on —for obvious reasons, the same ones why he had almost punched that poor nurse a couple of minutes ago—.

Steve saw it anyways from Helen’s screen, saw the clear profile of his baby and immediately knew he couldn’t do it, at least not today or maybe never.

Yes, he was a mess. Yes, he needed urgent help. Yes, he hadn’t been the best mother by starving himself for months. But yes, it truly was the last piece of the love of his life he had and it was also a piece of himself made out of love. And definitely yes, he would be helped if he just asked for it. Finally, no, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t let it happen.

“Ma’am…” he said to catch the doctor’s attention, she looked at him with curious eyes, “do you think there is the possibility of… delaying the procedure?”

“Delaying it?” she asked back and stopping the movement of the wand on Steve’s belly.

“Yes… I-I need more time to think… I’m not entirely sure if this is what I want… ” he lied.

“Absolutely, Steve, it is still your choice,” Helen said reassuringly, quickly she turned off the things she had used, helped Steve to clean his stomach and left him to go inform that the surgery was being postponed.

“Steve? Are you ok?” Nat exclaimed bursting into the room, “Helen said she was going to cancel everything.”

“Yes, I asked her to,” Steve explained shortly, putting back his hoodie.

“Why? You’re not feeling well, you need-?”

“Natasha,” he interrupted softly, “I feel fine, I need more time, that’s it,” he said, lying again, “do you think I can go back to my apartment? I wanna get some more sleep.”

Nat, being as startled as she was, just nodded and let Steve go. He looked so confident of his decision, so confident of doing it as soon as possible, and now all of a sudden he decided he was going to delay it. She definitely needed answers, she was determinate to get them, and at 2 pm when she was going to make Steve his oatmeal with honey, Nat thought she had half the answer right there, because Steve was still in bed, wrapped in the covers and staring at the picture on his nightstand.

It was no secret that the President’s team was putting together an exhibition to celebrate Steve’s returning, and it was also no surprise that people from the said team had sent their ideas to the Captain. He had sent back the ideas saying they were nice, but that he wanted a section to honor the only Howling Commando to give his life, Bucky. For that, the team had rescued old videos and photos of the Howlies where Bucky was included for Steve to pick up which ones he wanted to be displayed. Nat and Clint had noticed that Steve stared for a little too long at one of the short interview videos, Bucky talked seriously and Steve, like the one on this century would do if he was there, was looking at him like he held the entire universe. The same look was on Bucky’s eyes when it was Steve’s time to talk, a small smirk adorning his lips every time their eyes met. The video ended with the two of them laughing at something that someone yelled in the background, and for a mere second, they saw Steve’s eyes show something more than sadness.

One regular morning posterior to that scene, Nat’s personal notes made her realize that it was Steve’s tenth consecutive day of no eating. To try to do something helpful, she asked for and was sent the video by e-mail, made a screenshot of it and sent Clint to print it and to get it a frame. Nat had left it the nightstand while Steve slept, and until this afternoon, the photo had been facing down. Now, Steve was staring at Bucky’s face, his sparkling eyes noticeable even in the poor quality of the picture, the corners of them crinkling adorably thanks to the big smile on his lips. He was where he always had been, by Steve’s side, specifically on his left.

Nat didn’t want to disturb him, Steve seemed in peace for the first time since he had woken up in the future, and it was at the sight of the person he needed the most, his best friend from childhood, his partner in life, the father of the pup he was carrying.

“Steve? It’s past lunchtime…” she said in a whisper from the door, with the silence of the room there was no need to raise her voice.

“He’s going to miss everything,” Steve whispered back.

“What?”

“If I have the baby, he’s going to miss everything,” Nat walked slowly to the bed and sat next to him, her fingers went straight to his hair, caressing it to comfort him.

“He is…” she answered, “but the baby, if you decide to have it, it’s not going to be alone, it’s going to have you…”

“I-I grew up without a dad, I know the feeling… didn’t want that for my kids in the past…”

“And you don’t want it now…” he nodded slowly, “Steve… if you’re thinking of not getting the abortion, you need to be at peace with the fact that Bucky’s not here anymore. If he was hiding somewhere after leaving you pregnant, I’d go and kill him myself… but he’s been gone for decades, he was going to miss everything even if you didn’t crash the plane in the ice.” Tears fell on Steve’s face, Nat wiped them with her thumb. “Who did you have before the end of the war? Who would’ve taken care of you and the baby?”

“I don’t know…”

“Not the Howlies?”

“They had their own lives, but they would’ve been great uncles…”

“Well, with that information, we know that it was going to be the kid, you and a bunch of friends that you considered them as family… what is the difference from then to now?” Nat asked still caressing his hair. “Maybe you don’t consider us your closest friends now, but we all worry about you and in battle, you have done things to save our asses, too, so…”

“You’re my friend,” he spoke.

“Alright then, that would make me the baby’s first and only aunt?” she joked with a little smile.

“There’s Pepper, too…”

“Then I’ll fight her,” she said like if it wasn’t a big deal, Steve looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Come on, I’m messing with you, I’ll never fight her, Tony would kill me first.” Nat smiled again and bent to kiss Steve’s forehead, “you still have time, Rogers, but have into account this conversation, don’t think you and the pup are going to be alone, we won’t allow it.”

“Thanks…”

“Now, how about we get some oatmeal into you? You haven’t eaten since last night.”

Steve nodded again, and after a last glance at Bucky’s picture, he got up the bed and followed Nat to the kitchen, where she made conversation and ate with him.

Later that night, to Nat’s surprise, while she was eating a yogurt sitting on the sofa before bed, she saw how, without making a sound, Steve got one for himself from the refrigerator, and took it to his room. She wouldn’t admit that her eyes got a little wet —but they did— and she smiled for him.

Yes, Steve was one of the most broken people she had met, but yes, she also knew that love was what had moved him to become Captain America, to save Bucky from the hands of Hydra… and love was exactly what was going to save the day again, love was going to save him.


	4. Glimpses of heaven

It surprised Tony and Pepper when Steve went up to their penthouse a week posterior to the “sudden delay”, to accept the help they had offered him since the beginning. The very next day he had his first therapy session and was told by a nutritionist and a physician of the state he had induced his body to. The nutritionist had a food plan for him to follow that wasn’t much to not overwhelm his system, but enough to help him to get back in shape, along with some pills.

By the second week, his body was taking in the vitamins and proteins it had lost in the past months, making him already able to join Nat on her morning yoga routine, and by the next week, to join her at the gym for a short aerobics session.

Not everything was wonderful, of course, every morning was a constant struggle to get out of bed, to take his breakfast and work out or go to his therapy session, but the good thing, according to the therapist, was that he knew he was struggling and still got the things done.

Nat was the Avenger in charge of keeping Steve’s fridge full of foods he could eat, and to the therapist's request, she could be with him to eat, but he was responsible for eating on time and cooking or re-heating his meals. Clint was the one that took him out to take fresh air, after the therapist convinced Steve that he wasn’t being treated like a dog, walking and getting distracted was good for him and it was better with someone that tagged along to talk. Bruce helped him by checking on him when he was not at the tower and in Korea with Helen, his calls were never too long or too short, the doctor recommended things to Steve to discuss on the next call, to have something to talk about and to make him catch up on the things he had lost. Tony also collaborated with him on his own Tony way: getting a lot of old movies and music into Steve’s apartment entertainment system for him to watch, and sometimes watching them together, especially when Steve had had a hard day and was in need of some companion. Let’s say that Steve was being good taken care of.

At the week he knew the pup was entering the 21st week, he got the Avengers and Pepper together in the common floor. Thor, that had just returned, was glad to see the Captain’s face with some color, the last time he had seen him was on the med bay bed, weak, skinny and pale. At the moment he wasn’t full of life yet, but he was definitely a little bit better, working his way to that goal.

“Thank you for coming,” was the first thing he said, “I wanted to let all of you know a few things and… and also thank you for your help so far, I really appreciate it, thank you,” a chorus of his friends telling him _you deserve it, don’t worry about it_ sounded on his ears. “I know you have questions about the elephant in the room, which is ironic because it has the size of a carrot… and I… I’m keeping it… I’m keeping the baby and… I want to be the dad he or she deserves… I-I… I needed and still need the help you have all giving me, thank you again,” he said softly, “I'll try to keep on getting better, for my kid, for the team… and for myself.”

“That was all we wanted to hear, Steve,” Pepper said smiling at him with tears in her eyes.

“We’re really proud of you, buddy!” Clint exclaimed getting up to hug him.

Next thing Steve knew, was that he was in the middle of a big group hug that almost made him smile like he hasn’t in a while. He may not have the Howlies or Bucky anymore, but he —and the baby— had this new family, these friends, the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

That night for the first time since the New York Battle, the Avengers had dinner together. Steve’s body was accepting food a lot better so he could munch into some shawarma while listening to Thor’s newest battle storytime, Clint and Nat fight for who had taken the last sauce container out of the delivery bag, and Tony and Bruce talking about scientific things that Steve didn’t understand. It was the first time in months that Steve felt comfortable around people and right there, surrounded by chatter, the smell of delicious food and the city in the background thanks to the gigantic windows, he felt grateful that Bruce and Dr. Cho had saved him, probably life was worth living.

Once the common room was cleared and everyone went back to their apartments including Steve, he took a shower and put on his pajamas, that by the way, were now fitting him better and not falling from his hips. The tv was on with one of Steve’s favorite things, shitty reality shows and the clock next to Bucky’s picture said it was 1:09 already. He had to get up at 6:30 to work out and have breakfast, and based on the amazing night he had with his friends, Steve was sure he was going to fall asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.

However, minutes before finally drifting off, he found himself putting his hands on his stomach. He smiled slightly, after weeks of uncertainty, finally knowing that he was going to meet the pup growing inside him made him feel 50% better than before.

“I’ll do my best, I promise…” he said to him or her, moving his thumbs to caress the small bump, and then he looked at the frame on the nightstand, “I promise I’ll get the baby healthy and ready to meet the world, even if you’re not here… I hope you’re watching over us, we miss you.”

And with that, Steve’s eyes closed slowly, his arms protectively around his stomach, because this time, there was someone there to protect.

  
****

Things weren’t perfect, but they were looking up.

Steve never missed a session with his recovery team. They were a huge part of the support he was getting and he was grateful they were helping him. His health was improving quickly thanks to the serum and new habits, his mental health was going to be a work in progress for a long time, but the doctors were happy Steve was willing to get better, willing to talk things and get ready for his future responsibility.

In addition, the baby’s health was normal, it was developing even faster because of his mother improved alimentation, his heartbeat was steady and stronger than before. At six months and a half, the bump finally appeared, standing out, proudly, out of Steve’s abs. In the lapse of another week, it started kicking and moving around, making Steve sleep in uncomfortable positions sometimes or flinch when a kick was particularly hard, but it made the corners of his lips lift, too.

He had read all the information he could find online, and downloaded an app on his new phone to track the pregnancy, the baby estimated development and to know what to expect every time a week passed. Along with the app, Nat had put the picture of Bucky on Steve’s home screen, so he could have his two motivations on hand at any time.

Steve had two scans done during this recovery time, and in neither of them Dr. Cho was capable of telling him the gender of the pup, it always had its legs crossed making it impossible to find out if it was a boy or a girl. But Steve didn’t care, he was happy with the fact that it was perfectly growing inside him, and he was more than excited to know he was going to have a little bit of Bucky for him to take care of.

Also, with the apparition of the bump, Steve started to get things ready. Getting ready didn’t mean to just fix a room in his floor, pick up possible names or buy small clothes, Steve was determined to keep his pup out of the grid, so he needed a plan. He was already off-duty, the very few doctors that knew about the pregnancy had signed confidentiality contracts and for some reason, Fury was keeping things out of SHIELD, everything was done was in complete privacy and with his personal attention, which Steve was grateful for.

They agreed that the pup was going to live with Steve while things were quiet and normal, and they were looking for safe houses to send it to when things weren’t as light and breezy. Steve needed to find a nanny, too, for those latter moments and for when he had to go for long missions. But for now, he was stuck buying basic things online, like the crib, sheets, diapers, and bottles.

The past week he had bought a few things that he was going to unpack and stock on his closet until the baby’s room was finished. The boxes were in his living room when he walked in, exactly where Clint had left them. Steve started to open the packages and the boxes, his eyes getting glossy and scanning the tiny onesies, mittens, and booties in neutral colors that in less than 3 months his baby was going to wear.

Right when Steve was getting too emotional thinking about it, a sudden kick made him go back to earth, “Oh, yep, all this is for you,” he talked softly and caressing his swollen belly. “I don’t even know if you’re going to wear it all.. but, well, I guess I’m allowed to go overboard, huh?”

An hour later there was a pile of empty boxes and bags on the floor, and a pile of clothes and accessories on the table and Steve was opening the last package. It was medium-sized and honestly, he didn’t know what it could be, he had ordered way too many things to remember exactly that. When he opened though, his emotional side came back and he remembered why he had made that purchase. As he had no idea what had happened with the light green blanket that Winifred Barnes had bought for Bucky and then gifted them for their future pups, Steve bought one in the same color out of pure sentimentalism. It wasn’t the same, of course, but the feeling was going to be there, he would’ve cried back in the ’30s if he had a pup, and he knew he was going to cry this time, no difference on that.

Steve clutched the blanket to his chest and sighed. He did recall the smell the old blanket had, it smelled like Bucky, like their home, and this one smelled of some fragrance that the store had sprayed on it before sending it. He wished Bucky could be there to scent it… or maybe just having something that smelled like him so their pup could have a slight idea of his father’s scent would be nice. He sighed again and put the blanket with the rest of the things to start his three trips to his room to put them in the closet.

Nat and Clint found him clearing up the mess he had made and helped him clean. Well, actually, Clint ended up making all the cleaning while Nat gasped and admired the baby’s new clothes with a big smile on her face. She pictured a blonde pup wearing everything and her heart couldn’t take it, it was going to be one of the most adorable babies she had seen, she was sure of that.

“God, I hope it’s a girl, we need a more feminine presence in this tower!” Nat said, her hands were folding back a onesie she had taken. “What about you, Steve, do you want it to be a girl?”

“I just want it to be healthy, boy or girl isn’t going to change the love I feel for the baby,” he said with a loving tone, Nat smiled and turned to see him with a hand on the roundness of his stomach, his thumb moving and caressing it over the t-shirt he had on.

“That is so cute, you’re such a great dad already… or mom? How is the pup going to call you?”

“I think I’d rather mom, I’m the one pregnant and that’s going to give birth after all…”

“Completely fair,” Nat said laughing, “when’s the due date?”

“November the 17th, but I’ve read that babies can come early or late, so I don’t trust it much.”

“Fury is scheduling missions already, I hope he keeps me free for the entire month, I would love to be here for the birthday.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean… if you’re ok with that…”

Steve had thought of the day when he finally met his pup, and he didn’t see himself alone, he wanted someone there that deserved to share the moment with him, and that person was Natasha. She had been and was still there for him, she had shown that was happy by calling herself the baby’s aunt, so…

“Absolutely, I’d love to have you there,” he said with a little smile.

“Then let’s hope Fury has mercy on me and leaves that month free for the big moment,” she smiled and hugged Steve, he hugged her back as much as his stomach let him, until… “are you ok?” she asked, he had straightened up all of a sudden.

“I want… something salty and sweet.”

“Clint! Steve has a craving, you better get cooking!” she yelled dragging him out the closet and into the kitchen, where Clint was already eating a PBJ sandwich and making another for Steve.

“Let’s feed that baby!”

The 30rd-week scan came fast, and on a day when the team was out for a mission. He went to the med bay alone but found himself comfortable at the sight of Helen waiting for him. Now everyone wanted to know the gender of the pup, including Steve because he was already looking for names and wanted to focus on just one gender. But as if the baby felt everybody’s expectations, it was never in the right position to let them know. And this ultrasound wasn’t the exception, Helen laughed noticing the position of the legs and Steve gave up.

“It’s going to be a surprise for the birthday,” he said in surrender to the team at dinner a couple of days later.

A set of whines and complaints were heard, but Steve and the baby had made their choice and now all of them had to wait al least 10 more weeks to know.

The way through said weeks wasn’t light but it wasn’t hard either. Steve’s body was back on his full capacity level, keeping him strong and getting him ready for childbirth. But even as better as it was compared to the previous months, Steve wasn’t producing milk, what almost caused him a breakdown, until the doctor told him that it was normal in all genders Omegas to not to do it just for natural causes, the pup was going to be fine with a good formula.

His therapy sessions were still full of conversation, memories, and questions, and Steve was allowed to have real knives on his kitchen again, which was a good thing. His diet was balanced enough for a carrying Omega and he had let go a few times by eating the sweet cravings that the pup made him had, like strawberries with Nutella, pancakes with Nutella, pickles with Nutella, french fries or chips with Nutella, chicken nuggets with Nutella… he better keeps the baby away from Nutella once it was born.

Steve kept on missing Bucky, but he was slowly learning to live without him. He dreamed of him sometimes, he dreamed that he was alive, that he was going to meet their pup someday, that they were going to reunite and be the family they had dreamed of in the past. Although darkness showed him something he wasn’t going to have, Steve was also learning to be ok with that, darkness didn’t have to be his enemy. He still had the picture on his nightstand, too, and some days it gave him the strength he needed to get up in the mornings. He had another photo, too, but that one was reserved for the pup’s room, Steve wasn’t going to hide to his baby who was his or her father and he wanted it to at least know his face.

Speaking of the nursery, Pepper, her interior designer friend, and Steve had gotten everything ready by the time the baby hit week 35, and it was beautiful. All the walls were painted in beige, except for one that Steve had used to paint a mural of a forest on one of his restless nights. That wall had ended up being the one where the crib was placed, and because of a distraction, another wall was covered in red and blue stars —thanks, Tony—. There was a rocking chair, a comfy sofa where Steve knew he was going to sleep the firsts days, a changing table, toys, and a wardrobe filled with clothes that were going to last up to a year in the baby’s life.

The apartment had new gadgets he was going to use, like a bottle warmer, a microwave bottle sanitizer, a puree machine, a white noise generator to help the pup sleep, monitors and some kind of high-tech baby rocker. Tony had reproached that he could’ve done all that himself, and in exchange, he was working on new protocols for Jarvis to protect the baby and a personalized mobile for the crib.

At week 37 Steve thought he resembled a planet, or a whale, or both. Whoever that was around had to help him get up and he couldn’t see his feet if he looked down. At that point he was impatiently waiting for his due date, it seemed like the pup was running out of space and he or she moved all the time, especially during the night time that Steve tried to enjoy so much before the big arrival.

At week 38 Tony broke into his apartment at 2 am to install the mobile on the crib, scaring the shit out of Steve and almost getting knocked out by a baseball bat. Jarvis' excuse to not let Steve know that Tony was on his floor was that his boss wasn’t considered a threat. Steve had just put down his hands with an irritated sigh and went back to sleep. The next day he took time to see the gift that his friend had brought at such unholy time, and actually smiled seeing the charms hanging from it. Each one was what defined the Avengers members, like the Arc Reactor, his shield, Thor’s hammer, Bruce’s green fist, Nat’s red hourglass, and Clint’s purple arrow. It had different rotating settings, ambient music, and white noise —“In case your internet gadget breaks!” Tony had said later in the day when Steve went to his lab to thank him—.

At week 39, everything was completely ready, even Steve. He had taken internet classes with Nat to help him go through labor and the birth itself in case things went the right way and he was able to have a natural birth. He was also totally ready for things going the wrong way and having to have a c-section done. Dr. Cho was set to come back during week 40 to help Steve with the birth and Fury had cleared Nat’s schedule for the month of November.

Now, on the rainy morning of the start of week 40, Steve stood in front of his window with a t-shirt that was about to explode on his stomach area and a cup of tea on his hands. The day was kinda depressing outside, but it didn’t ruin Steve’s humor, he had been waiting for this day for a long time and it was finally here. Even if he didn’t go into labor that exact day, what mattered was that he was closer to meeting the small piece of himself that Bucky had left with him without knowing. Steve had said the truth when he said he just wanted a healthy baby, however, it was also true that he hoped he or she looked like Bucky, so he could have a chance of seeing his beautiful blue eyes again, and this time on the little human they had created that Steve loved so much, and that was sure that wherever Bucky was, he also loved it with the same intensity.

He sipped at his tea and caressed his stomach with a smile, his eyes looked down at it and Steve whispered, “Whenever you’re ready, baby, I’ll wait.”


	5. Hold me close, don't let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oi, galerinha! 
> 
> I think I haven't said hi to you guys since chapter 2 or so... so, hi! how are you? lol  
> Also, thank you so much for your comments and kudos, they mean a lot to me! :)
> 
> Annndddd, the big moment has finally arrived!!!!! Enjoy your reading!!

Ok, Steve had to admit that picking up a name wasn’t the easiest thing. He wished he knew how his ma had picked Steven Grant for him so it could give him some ideas because to add an extra level of difficulty to the task, Steve didn’t want a name that was too obvious. Of course he would love to call his baby James Buchanan and call him Jamie in honor to his father, or maybe Jamie Sarah if it was a girl, but that would’ve screamed “I’m so Captain America’s kid!” if someone ever associated the baby with him and it wasn’t the idea.

Nat had given him help with Russian names but none seemed appealing to Steve. Thor had also helped with names but they weren’t of Steve’s taste.

It didn’t help that the gender was a surprise, so he was stuck with the names that had made it to the final column of both the girls and the boys' names. 

Steve also thought that maybe when he saw his baby he was going to choose the first set of names that made it to his mind, but the baby didn't show signs of coming out on the week 40, neither it did the day after that, and the mother to be and the uncles and aunts were growing impatient. 

It was week 40+2 when the team went away for a mission. Tony warned him to not give birth until they arrived… but seemed that the baby listened and as he or she already loved to mess with them, Steve went into labor at 40+3.

In Steve’s defense, in the beginning, he didn’t know that what he was feeling were weak contractions. He had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for the past weeks, and the first real contractions passed unnoticed by him. He had breakfast with Nat, as usual, they talked with Jarvis of how the mission was going and decided to do some yoga to help bring the baby down.

That evening Steve noticed how down his stomach was and thanks to the contractions growing in pain, he informed Nat that he was, indeed, in labor. To being a super-trained-master-spy that was ready for anything, Nat panicked a lot, especially because Helen was still in Korea.Jarvis called her to let her know and sent a Quinjet to go for her and bring her to New York City as soon as possible.

Jarvis called Tony, too, and that derived on having a group video call with the team, that at the moment was in a stakeout waiting for the right time to attack. Tony reprimanded the baby for being a little asshole, which earned him a slap on the arm from the entire team, and told him to call Pepper for help if he needed it, even though she was in Portugal for business.

During dinner time, that Steve didn’t have for the first time in months, the pain was already horrible, even for him. Nat was with him, talking in her sweet soothing voice, dimming the lights and telling Jarvis to play ambient sounds.

Steve had read about the different ways of giving birth that Omegas could choose in the new century, besides suffering from no medication like they had done in the last decade of the 20th century that he had lived in. He knew of the epidurals, the c-sections, the water births at the hospital, the water births at home, the all-natural births also at the hospital and at home. He had settled for having what his body wanted, and now Steve didn’t want anyone to use needles on him or go to the med bay if it wasn’t necessary. It also didn’t feel like things weren’t going right, they pointed to the direction of him having an all-natural home birth.

“It would’ve been this way before, you know?” he told Natasha, she was sitting on the extra yoga ball and had her arms extended, fingers intertwined with Steve’s, that was sitting on another ball in front of her in the living room.

“With your last pregnancy?”

“Yeah… I mean, without this that we are doing now, or the yoga balls, or the music and the quietness… but it would’ve been a natural home birth just with Bucky and a midwife or a nurse, whatever we could have afforded at the time.”

“What would Bucky be doing?”

“Panicking,” he answered quickly and making Natasha laugh. “He would be running up and down like a headless chicken… but he would come to his senses with maybe one or two slaps on the face. He would’ve made sure to work extra hours to pay for someone to assist the delivering our pup and not to lose me in the process…”

“Do you think he would’ve cried when the baby was born?”

“Oh, definitely…”

“Are you going to cry?” Steve flinched at a particularly strong contraction and Nat’s hold on his hands tightened.

“I know I am… I’m going to cry as much as the kid,” he said between breaths. “Oh God, Jarvis, what time is it?”

“1:45 am, Captain.”

“Thanks…”

“How are we looking, J?” Nat asked.

“The Captain is 8 centimeters dilated, he’s into the transitional phase,” Jarvis answered with his natural calming tone.

“8?” they both asked the ceiling.

“Yes, he was already 4 centimeters when he noticed he was in labor and seems to be speeding up, shall I let Dr. Cho know?”

“Yes! Please!” Steve exclaimed while slowly standing up. “Nat, I think I want to try the bath thing, please.”

“Yes, yes, why don’t you sit back and I go prepare it, huh?” Steve nodded with his eyes closed and sat back on the yoga ball.

He had told Nat, on one of those nights of watching water births on Youtube, that maybe he was going to try the water thing if the pain got too painful for him to handle. That’s why they both had read all they could on the perfect water temperature, and what to do in ‘if’ occasions.

Natasha let the tub with warm water that was going to cool down as she helped Steve walk to the bathroom, she took a huge pile of towels they may need, she dimmed the lights like they were in the living room and lighted a few candles.

“Nat?” Steve called from the other room.

“Here I am, here I am,” she told him entering and running to help him get up.

“Oh, Nat, I don’t think the baby can wait until Helen arrives,” he said panicking.

“He or she can, and it will don’t worry, everything’s going to be ok.”

Steve stripped before getting into the tub, and the warmth of the water helped him a little with the pain, but not for a long time. Nat, being the best friend in the universe she was, was letting the water cascade on Steve’s lumbar zone and massaging it at the same time, feeling him relax to the touch and sigh in content.

God, Steve was so grateful he wasn’t alone. Nat was there the whole time he gripped the tub so hard she thought he was going to break it, she was there when he started to have really long and painful contractions, and she was there when he reached the awaited 10 centimeters and went on full crying mode.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” he whispered in tears, Nat was caressing his dampened hair, taking it out his face and trying not to cry herself.

“You can, Steve, you had done so well so far, the baby is so proud of you, I’m so proud of you.”

“Nat, Nat, I can’t,” he repeated.

“Natasha, may I suggest a change of soundtrack?” Jarvis asked out of nowhere.

“Sure, why not?” she said kissing Steve’s forehead, feeling her eyes fill with tears for feeling useless at this point.

The ocean waves sound that had been sounding on the background changed to a voice talking. Bucky’s voice. Nat remembered listening to those words on one of the interview videos Steve was sent, and it was him talking about Steve, about how brave he was, how the team was proud of having such a good Captain and leader, how proud he was of his “friend”.

Nat calmed as Steve did, his Alpha’s voice was having a strong sooting effect because he hadn’t been for the pregnancy, and Steve system being in such a sensitive state, was taking it in like if he was there.

“You’re doing so well, so well, Steve,” she said in his ear, Bucky’s voice still in the room.

Steve, that was on his knees, hands gripping the tub and head in between them, whispered, “thanks, Nat…”

“Jarvis, got anything on the baby?”

“Yes, the baby is descending perfectly, the heartbeat is normal, I do recommend to the Captain to push whenever he feels like it, Dr. Cho told me to advise him that is ok as he is fully dilated.”

“Hear that, Steve? You can push when you feel like it!” she said excitedly, he laughed softly and nodded.

“Oh, yes, I need to push, I need to do it,” he said a second later and sitting straight.

“Steve, you’re doing great, you’re doing great,” Nat kept on saying as he pushed when the contractions came.

“Dr. Cho is ten minutes away,” Jarvis informed them.

Yes, thank God and Stark's Quinjets! And when Nat was feeling a little better for the information, Steve’s eyes widened when he checked himself. “Oh my God, it’s the head, the head it’s coming out.”

“Jarvis? Did you hear that? Can you call Helen and put them with us?”

“Right away.”

“Steve? Natasha?”

“Helen!” Nat exclaimed quickly, “Steve can feel the head, what do we do?”

“Just keep pushing Steve, there’s no going back now, push and when the baby is out, take it out the water slowly.”

“O-ok…” he answered while throwing his head back. “I’ll do it.”

“You’re going to meet your baby,” Nat whispered, this time not being ashamed of her teary eyes.

“You’re going to meet your niece or nephew,” he said back while sitting and grabbing a side of the tub with one hand. “I gotta push again.”

The ten minutes that the Quinjet was taking to finally land were the longest of Steve’s —and Nat's— life. He was pushing and trying not to break anything with his strength, listening instructions from Helen to Nat to get the baby bag and for him to relax to let the head out first.

Nat had a blanket ready and had run to the med bay to get something to deviate the pup’s breathing channel in case Helen wasn’t there to do it. Steve’s face was blushed and he looked exhausted, but he wasn’t giving up, he was having his baby and despite the pain, he hadn’t been happier in a while.

“Nat?” he asked.

“Yeah? Are you ok, are you pushing?”

“Nat, the head is truly coming out,” he said out of breath and reaching down to touch it.

“That’s perfect Steve, keep going,” Helen said on the phone.

Steve couldn't help to yell a little when he felt the head coming out with Nat’s encouraging words in the air. He mixed pantings with long breathes as the shoulders also made their way out and after a last powerful push, the pressure was over, and without even realizing it, Steve was taking the baby out of the water to place it on his chest and start rubbing its back.

“Oh… oh, oh my God,” Nat said, “Helen, the baby is out!”

“Today is November 21st of 2012, 3:41 am,” Jarvis said while Nat helped Steve to sit back against the tub. “Congratulations, Captain.”

“Steve…” was all she said, and in that precise second Helen came running with a case on her hands, God bless her.

“I’m here! I’m here!”

“Helen…” Steve murmured clutching the pup to his skin but not daring to look at it. “Is not crying, is not crying,” he said with his heart two seconds away from breaking.

“Don’t worry, is not crying because it is in your chest, the baby feels you and is calmed, don’t worry, Steve,” she said taking out something out and using it on the baby for a few seconds.

“Why is it not crying?” he asked again, panic tears were quick to appear, but again, Nat was there.

“Is ok, is on your chest and it’s breathing, it’s breathing,” Nat said wrapping her arms around his shoulders and crying. “You did amazing, congratulations, Steve, you did it.”

“Congratulations, mama,” Helen said happily, she took the blanket that Nat had taken earlier and wet it in the water before putting it over the calmed newborn.

Just at that moment, Steve looked down and did not see his big belly like he had in the past weeks, he saw a pinky baby in his arms, plastered to his chest and tiny fingers moving to grab onto something. That something was his finger, that the pup took and squeezed as its life depended on it. Steve’s shoulders shook at his crying and he let the tears fall, he re-positioned the newborn to see the little face and for the first time since she met him, Nat saw him truly smile out of happiness.

“Hi, baby… hi,” he whispered smiling. “So pretty, you’re so pretty, I love you so much.”

Steve counted the fingers on the hand that was currently holding his finger and counted the fingers on the other tiny hand. He saw the chest of his baby slowly moving up and down, the tiny feet that were too small on his hand had five toes each. The pup's eyes were closed, his mouth was slightly open and his hair was still too dirty to recognize the color, but it had a lot. It was perfect. 

“Did you see the gender?” Nat asked sniffling.

“Oh, no, I forgot,” he admitted making them laugh softly, then Steve lifted the blanket and moved his arm. “Oh God, it’s a boy.”

“Oh, a little boy!” Nat said kissing his forehead and wanting to jump up and down for her friend.

“Congratulations!” Helen repeated and peeking to see the baby’s face.

“Thank you…” Steve said, his eyes still tearing up and focused on his _son_ , that decided that it was the right moment to let out a whine that alerted everyone.

“That is a good sign, Steve,” said Helen immediately, she was taking out her doctor's stuff to check on the pup without taking it from him. “I’m going to check on him although I’m sure Jarvis is taking care of that.”

“The baby is stable, lungs are functioning correctly, heartbeat steady, no signs of complications.”

That was music to Steve’s ears, he did get a healthy pup, a healthy son after all. Helen assisted the after birth while Steve admired his baby with a permanent smile on his lips, completely unable to take his eyes off him.

His arms felt empty when, a moment later, he was sitting on his bed, a fluffy robe around his body and Helen checking on his baby. Making Helen’s job easier, Jarvis had told them that he weighed exactly 8 pounds and was 23 inches long, but she did all the check-ups anyway to make Steve feel more secure that the small human he had birthed was fine. Then she put him a nappy and a white hat with yellow stars to bring him back to his awaiting mother, that took him inside the robe to feel him again.

Nat had noticed that the pup had a lot of hair and that it wasn’t dark as his father’s nor golden like his mother’s, it was the type of blonde that was going to change with time to be browner. His beautiful eyes were now closed but she had seen them as Helen checked him and they were slightly grey for now, and obviously, he looked like the most beautiful potato.

“Steve, he’s so cute,” Nat said sitting at his side, smiling when the baby moved and made cute sounds with his mouth. “I think he’s going to look like Bucky.”

“I hope so,” Steve whispered smiling and kissing the small forehead that was covered by the hat. “My pretty baby, I love you so much, so much,” he said to him in a soft murmur, his son opened his eyes slowly for him for the first time and stared at his mother with curiosity, and he was watching him with soft, loving eyes in return.

“I’m going to get a bottle ready, he needs to eat,” Nat told him standing up, Steve nodded and got more comfortable to improve the hold on his baby, which was starting to suck on his thumb at the absence of a nipple.

“Yeah, I know you’re hungry… auntie Nat is getting a bottle ready for you, she’ll be back in no time,” he explained trying to get his finger out his rosy pouty lips. “Oh, no, don’t cry, don’t cry, I’m sorry, you’ll eat in a second, I promise.”

Nat returned at the speed of light with a small heated up bottle, and she took photos as Steve fed his son with his first meal. Everyone could tell he was nervous, but the newborn was hungry and latched onto the bottle in the second try.

“Do you have an official name for him?” Nat asked returning to the bed to admire her nephew suckling and looking at his mother happily.

“Yeah… he’s Harika Azura Rogers.” Steve said, “I thought we could call him Ari for short… what do you think?”

“I think it’s perfect, Steve, Ari suits him,” she celebrated and touched Ari’s cheek with her fingers. “Do you wanna call the team?”

“What other choice do I have?” he said jokingly, Nat laughed and told Jarvis to get them in touch with the rest of the Avengers.

The perfect words to sum up the video call were: tears and coos. Tears from Clint and Bruce, and coos from Tony and Thor. As the night time disappeared and the team finished the job quickly to go spoil the new member of the family posterior to seeing him on a screen, Steve walked around the nursery with the pup taking another bottle in his arms. Nat had collapsed and died on his bed, and he refused to disturb her, she deserved to rest after the night they had had. Steve was going to be forever grateful to her for all she had done for him and Ari in all those months, and he was sure she was going to be there for the rest of their lives, just like he was going to be there for her as well.

Once his son was full and burped as expected, Steve decided to dress him on his first official outfit: a deep blue onesie that reminded him of the color of Bucky’s uniform, a simple white hat, and mittens, to then wrap him on the green blanket he had bought. He had to admit he felt a few tears fall from his eyes while he put Ari to sleep. Steve looked at Bucky’s framed picture that was on the nightstand next to the sofa and watched how handsome he looked with the buttons of his olive green shirt opened, his short hair perfectly styled even in the middle of the war and his boyish face half-smiling at the camera.

“Hey, Buck,” he said, his arms still cradling Ari, “look at what we created… his name is Harika, I read it means ‘miracle’ in Turkish. I chose it because I think he’s our little miracle, you know? I was never supposed to have pups, and he hung to life while you were alive, he survived the ice with me… and now he’s here,” he smiled at his sleeping son and rubbed his chubby cheeks with one finger. “Nat and I believe he’s going to look like you, which I hope he does… I’d love to raise a mini-you,” he added, “besides, he’s all I have left of you and… I-I wish you were here to meet him…” Steve sighed and looked at his son again, “let’s get you in your comfy bed, yes?” he stood up to place Ari in his crib, laying him down very carefully in the pillow bed that Clint had gifted him 

Steve took a few minutes to appreciate his sweet pup with a smile on his face, and instead of going back to his room, he took the bedcover from the backrest of the sofa in the nursery, and curled up —as much as he could with his sore body— and fell asleep to the sound of Ari's breathing.

Nat woke up around 10 am, and seeing she had passed out on Steve’s bed, she walked out to look for him. She found him in the nursery, he had moved the crib to be next to the sofa where he was currently sleeping, and one of his hands was reaching out to Ari. Nat couldn’t resist to not take a picture and when Ari woke up and whined softly, she took him to let Steve get his proper rest.

“Let’s allow mama sleep for a couple of hours, little man, he needs it, don’t you think?” she said to him lovingly, “yes, he does, he’s going to have time to spoil you later.”

“Ari?” Steve asked half-asleep, Nat was on her way to the door but she went back to him.

“Sleep, Steve, you need to rest for a while, I’ll take care of him,” she said softly.

“Sleep?”

“Mhm, sleep, get some of that, it’s an order Cap, I’ll be up with Ari until you wake up.”

“Hmmm…” was all he said before letting his head hit the pillow again.

Nat was leaving the room for the second time when Steve in his all sleepy voice called for her, “yes?”

“Thank you… for everything.”

For the second time, Nat walked back and placed a kiss on Steve’s forehead, “there’s nothing to be thankful for, Steve, I’m your friend, this is what friends do, we support each other.” She saw him smile at her and she fixed the blanket on his body, to then walk to the kitchen with Ari that was starting to fuss, “let’s get some formula in you, cute thing, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I wrote this even before knowing that Chris Evans character was named like that in his new movie 🙊
> 
> Bom, seems like my work is done for the day! Have a nice day, galerinha!
> 
> Beijinhos, 
> 
> Fab.


	6. The love that I feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oi, galerinha!!!!!!!! 
> 
> I don't know why I'm super excited for this last chapter of this mini work, but here it is!
> 
> It also it's the perfect time to tell you that Bucky is coming, yes! But in a new work that will be part of this series, so the series will be divided into 'without Bucky' and 'with Bucky'.  
> I've been working on the second part since I started uploading this one, and it was going to have 3 long chapters but suddenly last night it transformed into a 4 chapters work, so it'll take me a while to share it as I'm still writing it, but it'll be up soon! 
> 
> Bom, as usual, thank you for your comments and kudos that always make my days, and I hope you enjoy your reading!
> 
> Beijinhos,
> 
> Fab.

“Oh! There you are, Bubba, I’ve been looking for you!” Steve said entering his room and seeing Ari wearing only a nappy and standing on his feet, holding onto his bed not to fall.

“Mama!”

“No, no ‘mama’ me, I left you in your room for two seconds and you run away?” Steve knew he had probably crawled to the room and then gotten up on his small legs, but he made his point.

“No, mama!” he exclaimed happily in an attempt to erase the fact that he had, indeed, escaped from his room when Steve was distracted picking an outfit for him and talking to Jarvis about his upcoming meeting with Nick Fury.

“Yes, young man, you did,” he said picking him up, kissing his cheeks and blowing raspberries in them to make him laugh. “But seriously, though, you know how mama feels about you running away, don’t do it again, ok?” he said in a serious tone while sitting Ari on the bed.

“Sowwy,” he said still laughing and Steve couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Fine, now you gotta collaborate with me, we need to get you ready for your guests, ok?”

All Ari said was a long ‘no’ before throwing himself back and rolling in the bedcover, putting Steve up to one of his hardest missions: get his son dressed.

Time had gone by really fast by Steve’s liking. One second Ari was this beautiful potato with a few hours of life, and now he was turning one. _His baby was one year old_ , how crazy was that?

Posterior to Ari’s birth Steve had to recover quickly to be at the opening of the exhibit at the Smithsonian in D.C. He got a private tour before the public opening and he was glad that Clint, that just happened to be there, made a lot of questions to the tour guide when they reached Bucky’s memorial because Steve was sure he had stared at it for a very long time. The pictures displayed were in color, and since the serum had cured his color blindness, he had fallen in love with the color of Bucky’s eyes, the shade of blue and the shade of grey that they turned to sometimes and that now everyone could see if they visited the memorial. He had gotten lost in them countless times, making Bucky blush at the foreign feeling and making Steve kiss him for being so cute. He hadn’t seen them in his face a while until that moment in the museum, and thankfully, later he had to get used to seeing them again because their son had inherited them. It would be a lie to say that Steve didn’t cry the day Ari opened his eyes and he was able to see that they weren’t grey anymore, but the beautiful blue he had seen in Bucky for two years.

After the opening, Steve spent his days with Ari, training, having therapy sessions and going to missions with the Avengers. Oh, the team… they were crazy about Ari and refused to accept any other title than uncles and aunt. They were all specialists in making him laugh, and Tony had some kind of force to make him sleep whenever he landed on his arms. Fury was never going to admit it, but he had a soft spot for Ari, that much, that he had taken care personally of finding him a reliable nanny and several safe houses around the world.

Life with Ari wasn’t complicated, he was a baby and had needs that Steve and his nanny, Clara, attended when necessary. He even took him out to the park to play, to Central Park for picnics and for walks on his stroller around the city, as long as Steve wore a baseball cap and sunglasses to not be recognized in public. Or to make things less dangerous, Clara took care of that while Steve attended meetings or cleaned the apartment. However, even before she was allowed to take Ari out by herself, auntie Nat made her own investigation on the young woman to make sure she didn’t mean any harm to her precious nephew.

During his first year of life, Ari was an average pup, full of mischief, happiness, and energy, so much energy. He was an earthquake of a kid, but it was Steve’s favorite earthquake, he wouldn’t change his son for anything. Even when he made him took extra time to dress him or try to comb his hair like it was happening at the moment.

Steve had managed to dress him in a cute pair of dark jeans and a polo shirt, but he wasn’t helping much on the task of combing his dirty blonde hair, so his mother had to pull out the big and effective gun.

“Jarvis, can you play Bucky’s video, please?”

“Of course.”

And with that, magic. Ari sat quietly on Steve’s thighs watching the flat screen, where his mama and his dada were talking about things he didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter, he always paid attention to them. Steve combed Ari’s hair in the meantime, styled it to the side because Nat had done before and he looked adorable, and then hugged his baby and watched the video with him. Bucky was his big gun when it came to Ari, he seemed fascinated by his father’s photos and videos. The first time Steve explained to him that the picture on his room of the man in the green shirt was his father, Ari had demanded to sleep with the frame inside the crib, next to him. And being honest, the picture was only removed when the sheets were changed, to then be placed again on the same spot.

“Dada,” Ari said turning to look at his ma and pointing to the screen.

“Yes, that’s dada,” he whispered kissing his temple, once again wishing he was there to watch Ari grow and turn into a mini-Bucky.

Nat had arrived in New York a couple of hours ago from a solo mission, and after a relaxing bath and getting ready, she went up to Steve’s apartment to celebrate Ari’s first birthday.

The living room had some blue and golden balloons on the ceiling, there was music coming out the tv and she could see Clara in the kitchen. The women said hi to each other and she went straight to Steve’s room, finding father and son watching Lilo & Stitch, Ari’s favorite movie to entertain himself, next to his dada videos.

Steve smiled noticing Nat’s presence and gasped, “Ari! Look who’s here!”

Ari’s eyes opened more than normal and he emitted a high pitched sound that was muffled by his pacifier, but the message was clear when he lifted his arms at her. 

“Here’s the birthday boy!” she said excitedly taking him and filling his face with kisses, “happy birthday, my beautiful boy, oh, you’re so cute and so adorable, aren’t you?” that caused Ari to laugh more and to Nat to smile more. “How much time did it take you to put him this?” she asked checking Ari’s outfit.

“An hour, another hour to get his hair done, and I couldn’t even put his shoes on,” Steve admitted standing up and kissing Nat’s cheek, “but he looks nice, right?”

“Of course he does, he’s the perfect model,” she replied smiling at them, “besides, who need shoes, he’s going to be playing inside.”

“Thanks for minimizing the fact that a one-year-old baby overpowers me enough to not let me put his sneakers on,” Nat snorted and laughed.

“He’s still a baby, baby put on fights for everything, don’t worry!”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s see what happens for his second birthday,” he said kissing Ari’s arm that was around Nat’s neck and smiled at him, “let’s go to the living room, the team must be arriving soon and…”

“Capsicle! The party has arrived!” Tony exclaimed from the hallway, “Steven! Where’s my nephew? I haven’t seen him since yesterday, madness, Rogers, madness!”

Nat and Steve laughed noticing Ari’s reaction to Tony’s voice and unfortunately, the little traitor almost jumped to his arms once he was on sight.

The rest of the team plus Fury, Maria, Rhodey, Helen and Pepper arrived no longer after Tony, bearing gifts and kisses for the birthday boy, that enjoyed all the extra attention as much as he could.

The cake was simple despite the decoration being on Tony’s hands, it was round and it looked like the Cap’s shield with a number 1 instead of a star in the middle. Ari loved it until Clara lighted the candle and he refused to get closer to blow it while everyone sang happy birthday, so Steve had to do it for him at the end of the song. Gift opening time was absolutely Ari’s favorite. He got a weird looking toy from uncle Thor, plastic arrows and a quiver from Clint, toys from Maria, Helen, Rhodey and Bruce, clothes from Pepper, and his own mini-sized Dumm-E from Tony, that Steve hoped it didn’t burn anything down.

It was already nighttime when Nat decided to give Ari her gift. The adults were discussing the disadvantages of spending too much time in the vents to coax Clint to stop doing it, but Steve and Nat were taking Ari to his room to get his much-needed sleep to compensate the tiring day. 

“Oh, Nat, you shouldn’t have,” Steve said noticing the gift box on her hands while he changed Ari to a pair of pajamas.

“Shut up, Rogers, it’s my baby’s birthday, of course I was going to get him a gift!”

“Gift?” Ari asked almost asleep but still sitting upright thanks to Steve’s hands keeping him in that position over the changing table.

“Yes, baby, a gift for you,” she said giving him the box and letting him do the exploring.

Ari pulled off the top and peeked to see what was inside. He took it slowly and inspected the brown teddy bear on his hands. The teddy bear was wearing boots, dark brown pants and an olive green shirt with the first buttons opened, with a pair of dog tags around the neck. Ari blinked a few times to then smile sleepily and hug him, saying “dada.”

“And here I was, worried he wasn’t going to like it,” Nat commented resting her head on Steve’s arm.

“What do you say, Bubba?”

Ari mumbled something that sounded like “thank you” to Nat and gave her a hug. Nat left the room to let Steve put him to sleep properly and joined the after-party of the adults in the living room.

“You wanna sleep with the teddy bear?” he asked Ari, even though the answer was clear on the hold his son had on the toy, he wasn’t letting it go, but still nodded. “Alright, sleepy time then,” he took him smiling and cradled him like he was a newborn again, knowing it was the faster way to make him fall asleep.

“Mama sing,” Ari said clutching the teddy bear to his body.

“Ok, what do you want tonight? Maybe something from The Lion King?” Ari shook his head, the same happened when he mentioned Dumbo and the Little Mermaid. “What about Tangled?” this time Ari nodded and Steve sat on the sofa, got comfortable and let his son do the same on the expanse of his chest, not before letting him take his pacifier to help him sleep.

The first sentences to I See The Light came out of Steve’s lips, and he smiled sweetly feeling Ari relax against him, _“And I last I see the light, and it’s like the sky is new, and it’s warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted… all at once everything looks different, now that I see you…”_ he singed passing his fingers through his hair slowly, “ _now you’re here shining in the starlight, now you’re here suddenly I know, if you’re here it’s crystal clear, I’m where I’m meant to go…”_

Steve sang the last chorus in a softer voice than before, his pup had already fallen asleep, but he stayed there with him for a while, savoring the moment of quietness, kissing his forehead, feeling his small chest breathing, listening to the sounds he made. Then, carefully as always, Steve had to stand to leave him on the crib under the covers, with the teddy bear in his arms and Bucky’s picture under the pillow. “Happy birthday, Bubba, I love you… and I know your dad does, too,” he whispered caressing his cheek with a thumb. “Goodnight, baby, sleep tight.”

Back in the living room, Fury had cleared the seat next to him for Steve to take it, and he did. “Did Mr. Ari fall asleep?”

“Yes, it wasn’t hard, he had a long day,” Steve said, taking a plate with a piece of cake on it, it was like it had his name on it, plus, it was chocolate with strawberry, one of Steve’s favorite combination.

“Yeah… does he like the tower? New York?”

“Hmmm, he’s a baby, he likes to eat with his hands and play with boxes,” he answered almost laughing.

“And what about you?” Fury asked, “do you like the tower, the city?”

“Yeah… it’s closer to everything, Ari and I have an entire floor, we’re used to living here, to Jarvis, the team is close, Nat being just a floor down, may I know the reason for your questions, sir?”

“SHIELD needs you to move, Cap,” Fury said with that tone that said ‘It’s a command and you have no saying in the matter’.

“Where to?”

“D.C., to a nice building, not an entire floor but an apartment comfy enough for the kid, Clara and you, Agent Romanoff in the same building with all of you.”

“What about my treatment?”

“You’ll receive it, we’re not taking that from you.”

“Thanks… and I kinda don’t have a choice, right?” he asked with cake in his mouth.

“Positive, we need you there.”

Steve sighed taking a last bite of the cake and looked at his surroundings, the big windows that displayed New York City beautifully, the living room where Ari had taken his first steps and had spoken his first words —ma-ma—, the kitchen where he and Nat had spent so many hours experimenting with food when he was pregnant, not to even mention that he Ari had been literally born in that apartment and that he seemed to enjoy their home. However, at not giving up the mantle like he wanted to do before, Steve knew he had responsibilities, and maybe SHIELD needed him for a couple of years and then he could come back to NYC with Ari to send him to kindergarten, let him have friends, send him to school, too. Besides, they were still going to have Clara to help and Nat to be around, they weren’t going completely alone.

“Cap?” Fury asked to recover his attention.

“When do we leave?”

“January, right after the new year, you better start packing, time flies.”

“You tell me…” Steve whispered thinking of his baby with a little smile.

“Don’t worry, Cap, everything’s going to be fine, Ari’s going to be safe,” Fury assured him with a pat on the back.

“That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Fury nodded at him and joined the conversation, that had now deviated to talk about the science behind the Bifröst, while Thor ate more cake with a smile at their crazy explanations.

It was a weekday and everyone had things to do the next morning, so the room cleared up at a decent time, Steve thanked everyone for coming over and for the gifts, and was left to clean with Nat, after giving Clara the rest of the night and watch her leave to her apartment.

“Nick thinks there’s something wrong going on at SHIELD and wants us to be there when it happens,” Nat explained as she dried the dishes that Steve was doing, “or maybe he wants us to start whatever it's supposed to happen, who knows. The important thing is that we’re still together, he trusts us and knows that I am going to be wherever you are.”

“And Ari.”

“And Ari.” She repeated.

“What do you think it’s going on at SHIELD?”

“Nick is a tomb, I got nothing on that, but give him a few more months and I’m sure he’s going to figure it out,” she said very confidently. “What he did tell me is that you need to pick up a default safe house for Ari, he may need to go to one sooner or later.”

“Yeah, I know… it scares me to think we’re going to be apart for God knows how much time if he goes… but if that’s what it takes to keep him safe…”

“He’s going to have Clara with him and we’ll make things quick to make sure you get to him, don’t panic,” Steve stopped washing the plate on his hands and all of a sudden wrapped his arms around her, Nat laughed quietly and hugged him back. “At what do I own the pleasure of this?”

“To everything,” he said with his face hidden on her neck, “you may not realize all the things you had done for me, and for Ari, even before he was born you took care of both of us. You were there for every milestone of my recovery, for Ari’s birth, then for every one of his milestones… you’re the best that had happened to us, Nat, thank you so much, we really appreciate it, we love you.”

“I love you, too, you idiot… I’ve told you this before, but you don’t have to thank me, I love expending time with you, then Ari came along and it was just a plus. You’re a good, easy to adore person, and I do, I adore you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Rogers.” He laughed, Nat always called him like that when she was getting sentimental. “Ok, ok, too much sugar for the day, let’s get this done and then go to bed, tomorrow we can ask Fury to go to check the apartments in D.C., what do you think?”

“Whatever you say, mom,” he said kissing her forehead for a change and got a weak punch on his arm for that.

“Call me ‘mom’ one more time and you’re moving to Washington alone, Rogers.” Steve stuck his tongue out at her and laughed again when she actually punched him.

“Ok, ok, sorry, please don’t make me move alone!”

“Too late, you’re on your own, buddy.”

Later that night, Steve peeked through Ari’s door before getting to bed. The teddy bear was at Ari’s side, he was sleeping with his arms adorably at the side of his head, the pacifier moving on his lips and his small body covered by his favorite green blanket. Steve loved him so much it hurt, and he wished that, whatever happened in the future, nothing ruined the only perfect thing that life had given him: his pup.

Steve went to sleep at midnight with Ari’s monitor on in his nightstand and one hand randomly placed on his neck, where his body had an old scar. Bucky had given him the mark during the war when he was healthy enough to go through bonding, but it had healed thanks to the serum, leaving an almost non-existent bite mark. The serum though didn’t stop the bond from actually working. After Bucky’s death, Steve felt random bolts of fear and pain that stopped with the passing days, and now he was so exhausted he didn’t feel the delicate pulsing sensation on it. However, as Steve dreamt of Bucky teaching him how to dance in their old Brooklyn apartment, the bond fragilely answered the other mate automatically.

While Steve slept, another man out of time, the perfect soldier and the responsible one for shaping the century, was very much awake, being dragged by two other soldiers to the chair of his nightmares. It was on those moments when he felt his brain working the most, his head hurting and the memories trying to get out the dark corners they were kept in. It was also in those moments when the soldier’s body could _feel_ properly, the pain, the exhaustion, the fear… and now, combined with that, he could feel the unbreakable bond with his mate, pulsing inside him for the first time in 69 years.

The soldier hyperventilated as he tried to make his mate feel him, to let him know he was… there, on the other side. But he didn’t remember him or her. He didn’t remember the last time they had communicated their feelings through it. He knew nothing. To make things worse, the bond was weak because of the years it spent inactive, and weak enough to make _almost_ useless the soldier’s efforts to use it in full form.

In just a minute the soldier was seated, his arms secured to the chair and his brain in the blender. The fragile connection he had made was lost again, his mere memory of having a mate and a bond had vanished inside his head, but it was certainly not forgotten, not after feeling that the call had reached the other side successfully. 

_"I'm here, Buck."_

**Author's Note:**

> The title and chapter titles were inspired by the song "Hospital for souls" by Bring Me The Horizon.


End file.
